you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
