96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
