If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
