I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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