I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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