I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
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