I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
