But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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