We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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