I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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