and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
