i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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