I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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