dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
