Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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