we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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