Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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