I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
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Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
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Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.