All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.