Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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