I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
