You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
