you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
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Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
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They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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