She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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