Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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