I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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