im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
