he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
