was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
