One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
