my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
