I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
