Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
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We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
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Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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