my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
