Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i drank out of a bidet.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
