I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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