Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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