i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
