I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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