I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
