did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
