I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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