office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
