So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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