I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
