I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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