So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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