its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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