Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
