I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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