I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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