I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
