final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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