a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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