I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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