Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
