last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
