6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
