you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
